Raising Black children in a world where racism is a constant undercurrent can be challenging. Parents often struggle with how to talk to their children about race and how to help them navigate racist experiences. One aspect of this challenge is understanding the different ways in which children respond to racism.
One day at school, Mia, a 9-year-old African-American girl, played soccer with her friends during recess. As she was about to score a goal, a boy from another class yelled, "Why are you on the field? Black kids can't play soccer!" Mia's friend Sarah heard the comment, too, and was just as shocked as Mia.
How should Mia and Sara respond to this hurtful comment?
This article will explore four common coping strategies children use to deal with racism. Depending on personality, temperament, and the situation, they may: fight, fight, fawn, and freeze.
Fight: Speaking Up and Standing Up
One way that children might respond to racism is by fighting back. This can include speaking up against racist comments or actions or taking a more physical approach if necessary. One way that children might respond to racism is by fighting back. This can include speaking up against racist comments or actions or taking a more physical approach if necessary. While fighting back can involve physical confrontation, it is also a mental and emotional battle.
Children who fight back are determined to protect themselves and demand equal treatment. They do not "shapeshift" to make others more comfortable but instead hold their ground in conversations and interactions. This response is often seen in children who have been taught to be assertive and confident and to value themselves and their beliefs. This response may be more common in children taught to be assertive and confident in standing up for themselves and their beliefs.
While this response can be empowering and affirming, it can also have negative consequences. Children taught to fight back may be more likely to engage in more confrontations and experience disciplinary issues, and things can escalate into physical altercations. They may also struggle to recognize situations where it is safer or more appropriate to retreat or seek help.
Children who push back may develop a strong sense of self and a greater ability to assert themselves; however, they may also feel that they are not favored by many who would prefer that they go along to get along.
Flight: Retreating and Withdrawing
Another response to racism is to retreat or withdraw from the situation. This may involve avoiding situations where racism is likely to occur or trying to blend in with the dominant culture to avoid being singled out. This response may be more common in children who have experienced discrimination or feel powerless in the face of racism.
While this response can be protective and self-preserving, it can also be limiting. Children who retreat or withdraw may miss out on opportunities for growth and development, both socially and academically. They may also struggle with isolation and powerlessness. Avoidance can also create distance and disconnection from their peers.
It's important to encourage children who constantly shut down or walk away to find healthy ways to cope with racism, such as seeking support from trusted adults or engaging in self-care activities.
Freeze: Immobilized and Overwhelmed
The final response to racism is to become immobilized and unable to take action. This may involve feeling overwhelmed or helpless in the face of discrimination and unable to respond or defend oneself. This response may be more common in children who have experienced repeated discrimination or internalized feelings of inferiority.
While this response can be a natural reaction to overwhelming stress, it can also be debilitating. Children who freeze may struggle to take action or advocate for themselves, leading to a sense of powerlessness and defeat. They are more likely to suffer in silence and may exhibit symptoms of depression and anxiety. It's important to provide these children with safe spaces to process their experiences and to help them find healthy coping mechanisms that work for them.
Fawn: Pleasing and Conforming
A third response to racism is to try to please the person or group engaging in discriminatory behavior. This may involve trying to fit in with the dominant culture or downplaying one's racial identity to avoid conflict. This response may be more common in children who have been socialized to prioritize the feelings and needs of others over their own.
While this response can be a survival strategy, it can also have negative consequences. They may struggle with shame and self-doubt as they see their racial identity as something to be hidden or ashamed of. People-pleasers who conform and try to blend end may struggle to develop a strong sense of self and a positive racial identity. They will struggle with boundary-setting and may prioritize the needs and comfort of others over their own.
It's important to help these children develop a strong sense of self-worth and to teach them to prioritize their needs and feelings. Encouraging them to engage in assertiveness training or self-advocacy may also be helpful.
What Did Mia and Sara Do?
When the boy shouted, "Black girls can't play soccer!" The comment stunned Mia and Sara, but while Sara ran off crying, Mia felt a surge of anger and threw the ball. The other kids standing around laughed. These were their immediate natural responses based on the girls' feelings about what happened.
The Parent's Role
These situations will happen, and the responses are not exclusive to racism and can be seen in other stressors or conflicts. However, understanding these responses can be helpful in recognizing how children are processing and coping with racial experiences and undercurrents.
Provide Safe Affirming Environments: Additionally, it's important for parents to provide a safe and supportive environment for their children to process and cope with racist experiences. This can involve having open and honest conversations about race, racism, and discrimination and actively listening to and validating their child's feelings and experiences. It's important to help children understand that the discrimination they experience is not their fault and to empower them to stand up for themselves and others.
It's important to recognize that these responses can be appropriate in certain situations and that children may need to develop different coping strategies depending on the context. For example, fighting back may be appropriate when a child faces direct physical or verbal aggression, while fleeing may be more appropriate in situations with a risk of harm or danger.
Encourage Conversations and Provide Options: Over time, children may develop a greater awareness of when each response is appropriate and a more nuanced understanding of how to cope with racism and discrimination. This process of developing racial proficiency is ongoing and can be supported by parents, educators, and other trusted adults who can provide guidance and support.
Always center and affirm them. It's also important to recognize that there are limitations to each response and that relying too heavily on one response may not be effective in all situations. For example, constantly fighting back may lead to more conflict and difficulty building relationships, while constantly fleeing may lead to a lack of assertiveness and difficulty standing up for oneself.
Racial Proficiency: Ultimately, developing racial proficiency requires a combination of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and a willingness to engage in difficult conversations and situations. With the right support and guidance, children can develop the skills and strategies to navigate racism and discrimination, build strong and positive racial identities, and thrive in a diverse and complex world.
Seek Resources: Parents should seek out resources and support networks to help them navigate raising Black children in a world that can be hostile to their existence. This can include seeking out Black educators, therapists, and community organizations that specialize in providing support and resources for Black families. It's important to create a sense of community and connection for both the parents and the child, as this can help provide a sense of belonging and validation.
Raising Black children in a world that can be hostile or devalue them. requires highly attuned and engaged parents. It's important to recognize and address the effects of racism on children's mental health and well-being and to provide a safe and supportive environment to process and cope with these experiences.
By doing so, parents can help their children develop a positive racial identity and proficiency to navigate the world confidently and resiliently.
Valarie Chavis is a cultural fluency educator who helps individuals and organizations develop the skills and knowledge to understand and navigate cultural differences. With years of experience in the field, Valarie is passionate about creating inclusive and equitable communities and believes that everyone has a role to play in creating a more just and equitable society. Her work focuses on building cultural competency, creating safe spaces for dialogue, and fostering understanding and respect across cultures.
Valarie Chavis is a cultural fluency educator who helps individuals and organizations develop the skills and knowledge to understand and navigate cultural differences. With years of experience in the field, Valarie is passionate about creating inclusive and equitable communities and believes that everyone has a role to play in creating a more just and equitable society. Her work focuses on building cultural competency, creating safe spaces for dialogue, and fostering understanding and respect across cultures.
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